“Omg I’m so embarrassed”
Ohhh the long list of times that I have embarrassed myself.
I have acted in ways that made others cringe. Hard. I have spoken and acted in ignorance, embarrassing myself and even doing harm. I have acted in ways that burned bridges (although sometimes that was intentional, even if not particularly graceful).
Sometimes it’s years before I realize the harm I may have done, and sometimes it’s instantaneous. Regardless of the timing, reflecting on how we stray so wildly from our true nature is always so full of beautiful insights, if we can just get through our own defenses of denial, embarrassment, and shame.
Learning how to release and reset from those embarrassing moments doesn’t mean we won’t find ourselves experiencing embarrassment, regret, or shame again. But if we are willing to bring those experiences and emotions directly into our practice, we can reconcile them in ways that start to strengthen our mindful presence and minimize our patterns that lead us astray.
What does it take to release and reset?
We know that when we tend to our suffering (mistakes, harm, and all that come with them), we create a healthier foundation of peace, compassion, understanding, and love from within.
When we build our inner reserves of peace, compassion, understanding, and love, we tend to keep our cool better and treat ourselves and others with respect. These are the ripples that we want to send out into the world, right?
If you’re feeling like the ripples you’re producing are something other than what you’d like, it’s probably a great time to pause, and tend to the layers of suffering that lie beneath those embarrassing and harmful actions.
The seed of mindfulness
You may already be familiar with mindfulness as a term that simply means to be fully present to what is. In Buddhist psychology, mindfulness is thought of as one of millions of “seeds” in our store consciousness. Store consciousness is made up of all possible seeds - we all have seeds of compassion within our store consciousness, and we all have seeds of hatred. The seeds we water (intentionally or not) are the ones that grow stronger.
When we are experiencing moments of embarrassment or shame without mindfulness, we often act out in weird and harmful ways. With practice, we strengthen the seeds of mindfulness to arise in those moments, creating a presence that can help to pause streams of emotion-led action.
When we experience embarrassment, we can name that embarrassment as something we are experiencing rather than take it on as a whole identity (“I am so stupid”). With practice, we can bring mindfulness to the moment and notice what that emotion is doing to our bodies (muscles cued for fight or flight) and to our thought streams (judgments, blame, denial). With reflection, we can see how the experience of embarrassment was embedded in a host of other emotions from other experiences that may have magnified our emotional response in that moment.
Yes, this is what mindfulness is about. We can practice opening our awareness to what is during a quiet meditation, simply naming, without judging, the thought streams, sensations, and emotions, as they arise and disappear.
Is it working?
Rather than practice with the intention of fixing something, or achieving something, let “awareness of” be your guide.
Our aim is really just to strengthen the thread in our mind to that seed of mindfulness so that it can rise, sprout, be present, in all moments - moments when we’re arguing, driving, cooking, pooping, singing, walking, working, gazing into the sunset or into the eyes of a beloved person.
When you notice yourself experiencing embarrassment and can pause to feel the physical sensations, keeping speech and action at bay for even just a moment, then you know that your practice is bearing fruit.
Mindfulness practice
Practicing mindfulness meditation is simple, and you don’t need any special clothing, props, alters, or any other material things. All you need to do is to sit still for a few minutes and follow your breath.
(In fact, you can practice walking mindfully if sitting still doesn’t work, but that’s a separate post)
Simply start by following your breath in and out.
Notice where you feel the breath. In your nose? Your chest? Your belly? Simply let your mind’s awareness connect with the physical sensations of the breath, and keep breathing.
You are practicing mindfulness of the breath.
Perhaps you do that for a couple of minutes, once a day or more, whenever you think of it.
Perhaps you start to extend the time, and begin to bring awareness into sensations in the body of tension or fatigue. Invite the seeds of mindfulness, tenderness, compassion, and love to arise in those same moments.
As you become more and more comfortable with sitting still and following your breath, you may begin to notice thought patterns or storylines arise that stir difficult emotions. Invite the seeds of mindfulness, compassion, curiosity, understanding, forgiveness, and love to arise in those same moments.
Keep a journal nearby if it helps, or make notes on your phone when helpful insights arise.
Reflection questions
Every time we repeat a pattern of behavior, we are watering some seeds of emotions over others. Reflecting on your day, your week, your workplace, your relationships, and what you say to yourself: can you see patterns? Which are nourishing your sense of self? Which are leading you astray?
In his award winning book Love & Rage (highly recommend!), Lama Rod Owens shares beautifully about the transformative power of attuning directly to our suffering in our meditative practice. When you identify the emotions or patterns that keep arising in you, bring them into your meditation practice as material to study. The path to inner peace requires us to move into and through our most embarrassing, harmful, and painful suffering with truth, tenderness, and love.
The reflection questions below are not by any means exhaustive. I offer them in hopes that they may help you to discover patterns & blind spots, underlying needs, or wounds that need the tender care of your mindfulness, compassion, and stillness. May they lead you toward true peace.
I was so embarrassed when I ….. Why did I act in such a weird way? What was I grasping for in the moment? Did I feel not good enough, or in some way threatened? Under what circumstances have I done the same thing? What am I really grasping for?
I felt insecure when this happened: …. My body felt…. I remembered when….. I felt supported by….. I felt isolated by….
When I apologized to…. for…. I felt….. It took me a while to apologize because I feared…..
I felt ashamed when …. My body felt…. I feel ashamed whenever…..
I know that my ancestors gave me many gifts. Strength, resilience, wisdom, patience (name any others). These gifts show up when….. I have forgotten these gifts when….
When I am about to try something new, I feel….
These are the things that make me feel exhaustion: ……
These are the things that make me feel anger: …..
