The Joy & Affirmation of Saying No
“I’m completely burnt out, but my family/community/loved ones need me, so I can’t say no.”
Does saying No feel good?
Many of us have internalized the idea that love, friendship, loyalty, and responsibility are expressed as sacrifice. It’s a common theme across many religions and cultures, and one that is more often than not specified differently for men and women (and as such, one of the many inputs into our internalization of gender binaries, but that’s a topic for another post).
I was told by my dissertation chair in graduate school that I had a “strong sense of responsibility.” With a smile on his face, it was his way of gently getting me to acknowledge how I tended to take everything on myself (and all things simultaneously), never ask for help, fight all the good fights on all the fronts, prove myself constantly, and blame myself if something didn’t go well.
Of course, when he said it, I was both relieved, feeling seen and understood, and also taken aback, because the internalized sense of responsibility that produced all of these behaviors also produced a sense of protective righteousness and virtue. At the time, what I *didn’t* feel was “whoa, I should figure out what’s behind all that.”
At the end of graduate school, all of the stress and pushing my body past its limits resulted in disease. I was first diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease (an autoimmune disease that continues to knock out thyroid function) as a clear sign that my immune system was faltering, and within a few years, breast cancer. First one in my family for both, although other vulnerabilities have been passed down through the generations.
Until it happened, I doubt you could have convinced me that my “productive & responsible” life was taking such a toll on my body.
Then there’s the realization, of course, that it’s not just physical body that’s suffering, but mind and heart, too.
Truly, it’s confusing as hell to recognize that our sense of virtuous responsibility is inextricably linked to the patriarchal & capitalist oppression that we also try to dismantle. Same goes for productivity, perfectionism, and all the other “virtues” that fuel our exhaustion.
Add to that any cultural expectations of filial piety and it’s no surprise that many of us are burnt the eff out.
We want to take care of our families, communities, and loved ones. But we must unlearn the ideas that push us to burn out along the way. We CAN care for, serve, and love others AND do the same for ourselves. We must find a better balance.
Creating our OWN path out of the confusion is key to breaking unhelpful behaviors, and as importantly, shifting the underlying beliefs that fuel them. Here’s something to try:
When YES Could Be NO
The right kind of YESes are the ones when you say YES and you feel:
Easeful
Empowered
Confident
Happy
Free
Your whole body says YES easily when it’s the right kind - the kind that you can fulfill without stress, without regret, without resentment.
The wrong kind of YESes have all those other things attached:
Resentment
Regret
Anticipatory exhaustion
Anger
Bitterness
Guilt
Shame
Obligation
Validation
You get the picture, and I bet you could add to the list.
So here’s what we do to sort out which YESes need to go:
Imagine saying YES to each thing in your life that you’re currently engaged in - one at a time
For each YES: where in your body do you feel any negative emotion? Gut? Eyes? Chest? Pinpoint the physical space(s)
What are the sensations you feel? Gripping? Clenching? Nausea? Heat? Get specific
What happens to your breath?
Name the emotions that you feel, and take your time (including obligation or any seemingly neutral emotions)
Can you slow down and, with compassion, go deeper to the root emotions? (For example, fear is often underneath anger, and resentment is often under obligation)
Creating understanding at the physical and emotional level of the wrong kind of YESes will take time. Make it a priority for a month or a season, without rushing.
Understanding is the aim. Patience and compassion are essential. On the other side of that effort is more freedom, confidence, ease, and happiness.
More of the right kind of NOs
The same goes for sorting out the NOs that make us suffer from the NOs that are really and affirmation of our self love and care.
When we say NO and are riddled with guilt that sparks an internal commentary on our self worth or blaming and judging others, we suffer.
When you say NO and it stimulates any negative emotion, where do you feel it? What are the sensations? What happens to your breath?
Do those physical responses change when the emotion is shame versus guilt versus anger? Do you fear rejection, abandonment, or conflict?
Give yourself a pause to feel what you’re feeling.
If you give yourself time to sit with what you’re feeling, you may start to connect to insights in the form of patterns. Get curious about where those patterns come from, and what keeps them going.
Pause to understand the levels of programming that produce NOs that don’t feel right. Slow down, reflect, and get really honest with yourself about what you feel and the answers to the questions.
Making Every YES and Every NO a Positive Affirmation of Self
Let yourself be nourished by the positive emotions when your YESes or NOs stimulate contentment, satisfaction, or other heart & connection nourishing emotions.
Take your time with the positive emotions, too:
Where in your body do you feel the positive emotion of contentment?
What are the sensations?
What happens to your breath?
How does your heart feel?
What happens to your thought patterns?
How do you see the world when you are experiencing contentment or other positive emotions?
The seeds of every emotion are within us. When the positive ones are activated, soak in the experience as nourishment, celebrate it, and invite it to stay a while.
Write It Out
Seeing things written out always helps me understand patterns and scope.
If that kind of visual helps you, too, make two columns. NOs on one side, YESes on the other. Be sure to include the easy NOs, and the hard NOs too, the YESes that are present and the YESes that you want to bring in. If there are YESes that don’t feel good, put them in the NO column.
Did you write NOs on the left and then started to fill in YESes on the right? This sequence may get you thinking about just how important it is to say even the smallest of YESes to yourself. Your YES may be spaciousness. Free time. Rest. All of these are worthy of inclusion.
Did you write YESes on the left? This format really highlights the YESes. Either left or right is correct. Feel into what is right for you to emphasize. If you populate the YESes first, you may find yourself getting really intentional about just what has to be a NO to populate the opposite column.
When you’ve created your, you may be able to glean some new values, emotions, or attributes to celebrate. Circle the ones that repeat or have special meaning. Circle the ones that need your attention. Circle the ones that you’ll commit some effort to nurturing over the next season. aStart now to affirm all the right NOs and all the right YESes.
The Grip of Obligation
Some of you are saying YES to this process, but just for the parts that challenge a bit.
Some of the YESes that you want to let go of are attached deeply to some sense of obligation or self.
Some NOs can feel really disruptive, scary, daunting, or somehow like a betrayal.
I get it. This is work that takes courage. It takes compassion, patience, faith, and support.
To get rid of the really bad YESes and get yourself ready for some self-affirming NOs, choose a trusted friend and ask them to listen as you walk them through your doubts.
Let them know that you’re struggling to say NO to someone. Let them know what you perceive to be the stakes. Let them know how you’ve spent some time learning about your own physical and emotional responses to the NOs and YESes. Talk to them about your fears.
When we confide our fears in someone we know has our best interest at heart, we allow ourselves to be supported in both the scary part and the empowering part of resetting a new pattern. They will be your best cheerleader. Remember that you are not alone in your suffering, and that sometimes, you have to ask for support.
The aim of talking it through, expressing your needs and your fears, is to reprogram that NO into an AFFIRMATION of YOU.
Every time that you can say NO and know that it means that you’re not going to burn out, fall apart, or push your mental and emotional health too far, you are offering an affirming YES filled with LOVE FOR YOURSELF.
